Having a bad day? Heres something to make you laugh!

[Hogweed]

Needn a push?


A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember,
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[Hogweed]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the
deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped
in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered
her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news"

The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient,
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt
in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

[Hogweed]

There once was a Rastaman whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

'Come on'...take a guess!

Think about it ..
'

And the moral is ..

'
'...You can't kill two birds with one stone.

[Hogweed]

A preacher lost his rooster (male chicken) and all his search efforts
proved fruitless. He then decided to mention it in church so that
anyone
who knows its whereabouts, could advise accordingly. The following
Sunday while in church in the pulpit he asked: "Who has a cock?" All
men
stood up including his 87-year old grandfather. Embarrassed and not
knowing what to say next, he said: "I mean, who, amongst you saw a
cock
last night?" All women in the church stood up including his 13-year
old
daughter. The priest started to blush when he realised what
implications
that will have on his image. He then said, "No, no, no. What I mean
is,
who in the last two weeks in this church, has seen my cock?" All the
nuns stood up and the preacher collapsed.

[ly2bad4u]

zerina, have u been talking to yourself??

[Hogweed]

I'm sure not talking to u 'beauty'. you are misguided my your lame ass name.Here's some free advice, see a dentist and get and HIV test; girl you are looking kinda hallow and 'positive'.

[viebowla]

Here's some free advice, see a dentist and get and HIV test; girl you are looking kinda hallow and 'positive'

Macdonalds am luving it!

ROFLMAO damn zerina you didnt have to go there bout the girls dental structure and status.

[juliana]

And the moral is ..

'
'...You can't kill two birds with one stone.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

That's a good one Zerina

[welibc77]

Something to leave you smiling everytime you think about it
__________________________________________________ ____________________

One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby."

The woman was deeply hurt. She continued to get on to the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked her, "What's wrong? You look mad."

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir, I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."
__________________________________________________ ____________________ _
A Lonely Jew in Catholic School

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.

While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"
__________________________________________________ ____________________ _
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
__________________________________________________ ____________________ _
Mrs. Agathe's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, and by the way...don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Agathe's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog simply laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
__________________________________________________ ____________________ _
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

"How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
__________________________________________________ ____________________ _

Enjoy the laugh

[katz83]

A preacher lost his rooster (male chicken) and all his search efforts proved fruitless. He then decided to mention it in church so that anyone who knows its whereabouts, could advise accordingly.

The following Sunday while in church in the pulpit he asked: "Who has a cock?" All men stood up including his 87-year old grandfather.

Embarrassed and not knowing what to say next, he said: "I mean, who, amongst you saw a cock last night?"

All women in the church stood up including his 13-year old daughter. The priest started to blush when he realised what implications that will have on his image.

He then said, "No, no, no. What I mean is, who in the last two weeks in this church, has seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up and the preacher collapsed.